Honestly I don't even know where to begin. I'll try my best to keep all of this in chronological order, but no promises.
A few months ago my friend DeWayne ran the idea by me to do a Tough Mudder course. I glanced at it quickly online and said I was in. We started to recruit people for the team. We threw it out to the SDLHC (Awesome FB health group that I'm in) and had some people respond. I was super excited.
I started to train. I did the circuits the Tough Mudder website had listed. They were hard! But I kept at it. It was hard to juggle school, work, home life, and making time to work out. Really hard.
As TM got closer I started to get worried. All of the obstacles looked fun to me. I don't have fears of tight spaces, falling, swimming, heights, jumping, etc. but I do have a fear of holding people back. I have a fear of needing people too much and being resented.
I would text DeWayne at least once a week and say, "I don't think I can do this! I can't do it!" He'd reply by saying, "you're doing it." Thank goodness for friends who push you to do things. Looking back I don't know why I didn't think I could do it. I'm fit enough. I rock climb. I was working on upper body strength and running. I was scared.
Scared of what? A number of things. Failure. Holding people back. Making a fool of myself. My team not liking me. Not being a big enough contributor.
Fast forward to Mudder time. People flew in from out of state to participate in this Tough Mudder. A bunch of us got together the night before. We hadn't all met, so it would be nice to get to know each other before we went and did this thing the next day. We ate and laughed and talked. We had a great time. Eventually we all ended sitting in the living room and discussing our fears for the next day. We had a few people that had done Tough Mudders before, so it was nice to have their input on some of the obstacles. Some people in our group would be facing legitimate fears. For me, I didn't have a fear of physically doing something like climbing through a pipe or going under water.
For a minute I felt like I didn't belong. Everyone else had fears they would be battling. And me... well I just didn't want to hold people back. Anyone else I had talked to outside the group about what I was afraid of always brushed it off. "Oh you won't!" "You'll do fine!" "Don't worry about that, you'll do great!" It always seemed downplayed, but this is what I was really scared of! It got to my turn and I shared. I told everyone I was worried about holding them back.
And you know what happened? Instead of my fear being brushed aside, my group acknowledged it. Some nodded and others said they were also afraid of that. It felt nice to have others know how I felt. One person in my group voiced the exact same concern. I'm sad others had that same worry, but it's nice to know I wasn't alone. And I felt like I belonged again.
Too soon the night ended and we parted ways. I went home and went to bed. The alarm went off in the morning.....
AHHHHH IT'S TODAY. Obviously I hadn't successfully backed out of this. Gulp. But I was kind of excited.
I got up, got ready, and met with some of my teammates. We drove to Cedar Fort. Soon enough we were all there. We wrote our numbers on our arms and got ready. We warmed up and hopped over a wall. Then we were almost ready to go....
My whole team seemed so pumped and excited. All morning they all seemed SO excited. I was honestly just trying not to throw up my Cheerios from my nerves.
And then... GO.
We took off. We walked the whole course. I liked it that way. I was able to talk to my team members and try to process what we were doing. I really enjoyed each obstacle. Some I wasn't worried about. Others, I was worried. The obstacle I was most worried about was Funky Monkey. This was monkey bars, but at an incline. Only 40% of people successfully complete it. This was the obstacle I wanted to finish, but doubted myself more than ever.
We got to Funky Monkey. I was nervous. I stepped up and put my hands on the bars. My gloves were slippery. I stepped aside and took my gloves off. I kept remembering how I had done monkey bars at a playground by my house to practice and I thought they were hard to get through. In my head I kept saying "You can't do this. Save yourself the embarrassment and jump in the water or let go on the second or third rung. You can't do this."
Deep breath.
I put my hands on the first rung. I was nervous. I took my feet off the ground. I went to the second then third rung. Fourth. Fifth. "I think maybe I can do this!" Sixth. "Who am I kidding, I can't do this. I can't. I can't do it." But even with my self defeating thoughts I kept going. Finally I was three rungs from the end. "I should just drop. Just in case I don't make it to the end." "No. I made it this far, I may as well try." Two rungs to go. One. Swing to the ground.
Wow.
I couldn't believe it. The one obstacle I was absolutely SURE I couldn't do, I did.
At another point on the course we had to carry bags of sand. Guys were generally taking two bags, and girls, one. The man facilitating told us that we could take as many as we wanted, but he hadn't seen a girl do more than two. "What the hell" I said to myself. And I had someone help me get three. I was going pretty slow. But I was making progress. My friend Ashley stayed with me. And I was so glad she did. I told her she could go ahead, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'm not leaving you." And she didn't. She cheered me on and encouraged me the whole time. She kept telling me "you got this! You can do it!" even when the voice in my head kept saying "You took too many bags, you can't do this." But her voice was louder than the voice in my head. We rounded the last bend and I was telling myself, "just a few more steps! Just a few more steps! You can do it!"
And I made it! I carried 3 sandbags. 120 pounds. Nearly as much as I weigh. On my shoulders. I did it.
I DID IT.
Another part of Tough Mudder that sticks out is the second to last obstacle. I had been helped and had helped strangers along the way. At the second to last obstacle there was a huge ramp. The ramp got steeper and steeper (and quickly too) until it was vertical. The goal was to get on top. Our team eventually all made it to the top. I was one of the last ones up. A few others not on our team were also trying to do the obstacle. At one point a woman fell, slid down, and sat at the bottom of the obstacle. She was crying. I knew that feeling. The feeling of defeat. No matter how hard you try and give 110% you still can't do it. I've felt like that before. A few of us at the top and some people at the bottom started talking about helping her get up to the top. A few of our team members slid down the ramp and with a few others made a human ladder up the ramp. The woman climbed up the ladder to us at the top. And she made it.
The thing I love about Tough Mudder is how highly they rank teamwork and helping others. I honestly don't know what our time was and I don't care to know. This event wasn't timed for me, it was getting everyone across the finish line. And we did it.
After digesting this event for a few days and looking at myself internally I've learned a few things. The first and biggest thing I've learned is I'm amazing. I seriously rock. I'm not trying to be cocky, but really I am awesome. I accomplished so much more than I thought I could. I had self defeating thoughts because I thought an obstacle looked hard. And I had already nearly lost the battle before I even put my hands on the rungs.
I've decided to change my outlook. I've been working on it since the end of Tough Mudder. It's not easy, but it's coming along. I feel more confident in what I do. I tell myself I CAN do things. If I'm not sure if I can do something, I try. And while I'm trying I tell myself I can do it.
Tough Mudder has helped me find self confidence I didn't have before. It's helped me find lifelong friends I didn't have before. And it helped me learn how to be a better person.
I hope I was able to contribute as much as the others did on my team. Some of my team members overcame amazing fears and doubts. It was incredible to just be a part of their story. My story, although different, is mine. And I love it.
I can't wait till Tough Mudder 2015. Who's in?
